To Exercise or Not to Exercise

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hide when it's time to do housework.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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Mothers of Famous People

The following are some little known quotes from the mothers of famous
people in history:

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I
would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money
across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been
for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man, midnight is past your curfew."

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30 Ways to Say No

I'd love to, but...

1: I have to floss my cat.
2: I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3: I want to spend more time with my blender.
4: The President said he might drop in.
5: the man on television told me to stay tuned.
6: I've been scheduled for a kidney transplant.
7: I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8: It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9: It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10: I'm building a pig from a kit.
11: I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12: I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13: There's a disturbance in the Force.
14: I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15: I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16: I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17: I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18: I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19: I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20: My crayons all melted together.
21: I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22: I'm in training to be a household pest.
23: I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24: My patent is pending.
25: I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26: I'm sandblasting my oven.
27: I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28: I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29: I'm being deported.
30: The grunion are running.

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Things to Ponder

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you

know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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Women's Compact Instruction Book

Rule #1 - Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Rule #2 - Don't imagine you can change a man-unless he's in diapers.

Rule #3 - What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

Rule #4 - If they put a man on the moon-they should be able to put them all there.

Rule #5 - Tell him you're not his type-you have a pulse.

Rule #6 - A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

Rule #7 - Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Rule #8 - Women don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Rule #9 - The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Rule #10 - Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Rule #11 - The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

Rule #12 - If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Rule #13 - Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

Rule #14 - Sadly, all men are created equal.

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State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Bars and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and so are the Women!!!

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Top 10 Women's Tee-shirt Slogans

10. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

9. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

8. Please don't make me kill you.

7. And your point is...

6. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

5. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

4. All stressed out and no one to choke.

3. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

2. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

1. Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

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