Friday, March 26, 2010

* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Friday, March 19, 2010

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hide when it's time to do housework.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The following are some little known quotes from the mothers of famous
people in history:

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I
would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money
across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been
for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man, midnight is past your curfew."

Friday, March 05, 2010

I'd love to, but...

1: I have to floss my cat.
2: I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3: I want to spend more time with my blender.
4: The President said he might drop in.
5: the man on television told me to stay tuned.
6: I've been scheduled for a kidney transplant.
7: I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8: It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9: It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10: I'm building a pig from a kit.
11: I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12: I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13: There's a disturbance in the Force.
14: I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15: I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16: I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17: I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18: I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19: I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20: My crayons all melted together.
21: I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22: I'm in training to be a household pest.
23: I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24: My patent is pending.
25: I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26: I'm sandblasting my oven.
27: I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28: I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29: I'm being deported.
30: The grunion are running.

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