Friday Funnies

Martha Stewart vs. Maxine...

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

Lastly, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

Really.... It's true! Have I ever lied to you?

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Industry News

The Christian Pulse Announces Summer Reading Contest...
22 books, 22 reviews, 22 winners

Atlanta, GA - May 1, 2009 – Looking for the latest Christian book release to take with you on summer vacation or for relaxing on those cool summer nights? Beginning June 1, 2009, TheChristianPulse.com will give away 22 Christian books in 22 days. Visit www.thechristianpulse.com daily during the month of June for your chance to win. Each day we will publish a new Christian book review along with details on how to win a free copy of the book.

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Tuesday Devotional

Max'ism - Stand Your Ground

1Samuel 17:32-50

Along with Max, we have an English Springer-Spaniel named Newly. The relationship between these two dogs is tenuous at best, especially because even though Max is the smaller of the two, he is determined to be the alpha. Newly put that to the test one day, in a confrontation of wills that left me both frightened and awed.

It started innocently enough. Max and Newly took turns chasing each other around the yard. But as I watched, their playful manner became more determined, the nips, more aggressive. Finally, Max wheeled, bared his teeth, and stood his ground. Astounded, Newly drew to a halt and literally fell back on his haunches. Seeing his opening, Max attacked with all the furor an eight pound dog can muster, and vigorously started biting Newly’s ankles. I rushed forward, to both mine and Newly’s chagrin, to rescue Newly!

Now that was a sight I tell you, and it reminded me of another story I knew, about a Philistine giant named Goliath and a little boy named David. And suddenly I thought about the giants I face in my own life, the biggest one being my fear of sharing my witness.

How easy it is to turn tail and run when life throws me difficult situations or tough decisions. But that is not pleasing to God. He wants me find strength and courage in Him, to face my trials with bravery and honor. Most of all, I hear Him command me. . .to stand my ground.

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Friday Funnies

How To Know Whether You Are Ready To Have Kids Or Not

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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Tuesday Devotional

Max’ism – Happy to see You
Luke 15:11-24

Max can be counted on for one sure thing, he will always be happy to see me.

Our family went home for Christmas this year. Since we decided to fly, I arranged for Max to stay with a sitter. Yes, people will actually babysit your pet.

Anyway, we were gone for ten days. The lady who volunteered to keep Max was wonderful. She bought him toys, made him scrambled eggs for breakfast, even let him sleep in the bed with her. But he missed us. We missed him.

When we got home, I went right over to collect him. The moment he heard my voice, he leapt from the couch, jumped into my arms and licked my face. Repeatedly. All the way home, he kept trying to crawl into my lap so he could lick my fingers and sniff my neck. It was so sweet.

Funny thing is, I got the same reaction last Sunday when we got home from church. I was gone for two hours, yet the moment I walked through the door, Max leapt off the couch, ran to meet me, jumped into my arms, and licked my face. When I get home from work. . .well, you get the picture.

All of this got me thinking. Am I always so overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with the Lord? Do I miss Him when I neglect our time together? Does my heart thrill to hear His voice and do I run to meet with Him?

I must confess, my attitude is not always like Max’s shining example, especially when Sunday rolls around and my pillow beckons. Fortunately, God’s is, and He is always happy to see me.

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Monday Mystery Theater

The Case:

Donald Cartwright, an arrogant lawyer, is found dead in a store. The murder weapon, in plain sight, is never discovered.

The Mystery:

Who killed Donald, and how?

The Clues:

1. Cartwright’s body was sitting in a chair.
2. Cartwright had been a prosecuting attorney.

The Answer:

Think you know the answer? Fill in the comment box to submit your guess. Winner receives a free book!

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Friday Funnies

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

10) Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

9) PH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

8) Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

7) New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

6) Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

5) The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

4) "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

3) You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

2) Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.

... and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...

1) The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

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Tuesday Devotional

Max’ism – What Are You Chasing?
Deuteronomy 4:33-39

Max is territorial. Living objects, with the exception of me, my husband, my kids, and occasionally the cat, are not allowed on his turf, and he is serious about his responsibilities. Which is why the appearance of a stray kitten in our yard one day, was seen as a personal challenge.

I walked into the kitchen and found Max staring with rapt attention out the window. When I looked out, I saw nothing, but he whimpered and whined until I finally let him out. Shot like an arrow from a bow, Max took off across the yard. And that’s when I saw it. Frightened by his barking, the poor kitten scrambled up onto the lawn mower seat. I called Max, but he refused to allow the trespasser out of his sight. That’s when the kitten decided to bolt for the woods, Max close on his tail. Again and again, I called, but Max was focused on the prize to the exclusion of all else, including my voice. And that’s when it occurred to me.

What am I chasing? For seven years, my goal was becoming published. I chased it with fervor. Every book I purchased, every conference I attended, every workshop I traveled to. . .all were done with the intent of coming one step closer to my goal. But then, last year, God’s voice broke through the clamor.

“Focus on the journey,” He said, “for there is much to be learned and enjoyed along the way.”

Those words broke my heart. I was in such a hurry to get published that I missed the important lessons He had for me as I got there—things like patience, perseverance, humility, and trust.

I have repented of the time I spent not listening to Him with regard to my writing, but what about other things? Have I become so focused on earning a living, owning a house, and raising my kids, that I’ve tuned out God’s voice? I hope not. God has a lot to say, and I want to be sure I can hear it.

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Mystery Theater Answer...

We have a winner for today's mystery! Congratulations, Lisa. Here is the full story...



On March 15, 44 BC, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death in the senate house by his friend and protégé, Marcus Junius Brutus, and several others. Despite Caesar’s heroism and reforms, his power as dictator for life caused great resentment among his enemies and even some of his friends. It was an early, and very famous case of political back-stabbing.

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Monday Mystery Theater

The Case:

A controversial, ambitious senator is murdered in a public place.

The Mystery:

Who was the man? Who killed him and why?

The Clues:

1. The victim had been a war hero.
2. It was a mid-month murder.

The Answer:

Think you know the answer? Fill in the comment box to submit your guess. Winner receives a free book!

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Friday Funnies

Here are some simple guidelines for helping you determine where a driver comes from:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

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Mystery Theater Answer...

No one correctly solved Monday's mystery! Here's the correct answer. Better luck next week, sleuths...

The widowed Mrs. Steele had come to regard Monsieur Harold, her hairstylist and sometime escort, as the son she’d never had. In an unguarded moment on the dance floor at The Gator Club, she had told Harold that he was the sole heir to her $11 million fortune. Harold’s eyes lit up like a cash register, as he was an inveterate loser at the dog races.

The next week, just before Mrs. Steele visited the salon for her weekly root touch-up, Harold mixed a nicotine rat poison concentrate into her hair color. Within minutes after he rubbed it into her hair, the poison seeped through her scalp and into her bloodstream. Her blood pressure shot up and she began to perspire and claw at her throat and chest. Harold called 911, but by the time the ambulance arrived, Mrs. Steele was dead.

As Monsieur Harold carried away the remainder of the incriminating hair color, the pungent odor of tobacco from the nicotine pesticide filled his salon. Since there were many NO SMOKING signs on the walls, police immediately smelled a rat.

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Industry News

BESTSELLING CHRISTIAN AUTHOR'S STORY IS SHOWCASED ON ABC'S 20/20

Testimony of A Father's Forgiveness to be Highlighted on National Television Friday, May 1

(THE WOODLANDS, TEXAS) The evening started off with the Whitaker family going to a restaurant for dinner. Nothing especially unusual about that. The home, one of many on the well-kept block in Sugarland, Texas. The family, typical. Average. Loving. Churchgoing. Indeed, there was nothing out of the ordinary about the Whitakers until an assailant's gun changed the course of their lives.

A few hours later, in ICU, Kent, who had been wounded, felt God's insistence that Kent decide whether he would forgive the attacker. Kent did, never dreaming that the assailant was part of a plan set in motion by his own son Bart, who now awaits execution on Texas' death row for plotting to kill his father, mother, and younger brother. Only Kent survived the shooting.

"The first night in the hospital, I forgave everyone who was involved in this," Whitaker told CBS News in an October 18, 2007 interview. "It is a gift from God that allows me to do this. I think he gave me that gift so that when I found out that it was my son, that it would be legitimate forgiveness."

ABC's 20/20 will broadcast a segment on Friday, May 1 at 10pm ET/PT in which the Whitaker family tragedy will be explored and Kent will explain why he chose to forgive everyone involved. The story is also highlighted in the bestselling book MURDER BY FAMILY, A True Story of Greed, Grief, and Forgiveness (Howard Publishing, a division of Simon and Schuster).

Other media that have covered the story of forgiveness include CBS's 48 Hours and the Oprah Winfrey Show. Other appearances are planned, and Whitaker is currently scheduling a speaking tour of churches.

Kent's intention for the book and speaking tour is to focus on God's faithfulness, grace, and power. As such, all proceeds from the sale of Murder by Family will be donated to the December 10 Fund, a charity managed by the Houston Christian Foundation

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Tuesday Devotional

Max’ism: Dogged Determination
Proverbs 4:18-27

Dachshunds are bred hunters. Their shape and temperament makes them ideal for searching out small animals and rodents. In fact, when Max sets his mind to something, it’s nearly impossible to distract him.

Take for example, our walks. Once Max has the leash on, he turns neither to the right nor to the left. He knows exactly which route we will take, and he does not deter one step from it. Not even the cows roaming free in the pasture are enough to divert his attention when he’s wearing the collar. My husband and I laughed about the determination he displayed as he trotted along, straight as an arrow, his ears perked and nose pointed straight ahead.

But then it occurred to me. Was this what God meant when He commanded us to choose the narrow path, turning neither to the right nor the left? Does following God require extraordinary faith, is it more. . .extraordinary determination?

I’m learning that it is a combination of both. God told me without faith, it is impossible to please Him. He also said that faith without works is dead. Perhaps if I learned how to feed my faith, and exercise determination, I would finally be the child God is raising me to be.

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Monday Mystery Theater

The Case:

Mrs. Bentley Steele, an aging Palm Beach socialite, is found sitting in a chair, dead. Among the evidence incriminating her killer is a sign on the wall next to her.

The Mystery:

Who killed Mrs. Steele? How and why was she murdered?

The Clues:

1. Mrs. Steele was rich and had no relatives.
2. Mrs. Steele was at the beauty salon.

The Answer:

Think you know the answer? Fill in the comment box to submit your guess. Winner receives a free book!

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Friday Funnies

MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ...it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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